Mommy breakdown

(Written 2 weeks ago)

As my due date fastly approaches I cant help but want to soak up all the time I can with my girls.  But I have been finding it really hard to do so.  2 weeks ago I was monster mom.  It seems like the girls have been acting out more and in turn it makes me yell at them more.  I try so hard to stay calm and not yell at them but when they keep pushing and pushing,  it drives me crazy.  I just feel physically, emotionally and mentally exhausted.  Being pregnant while trying to rangle in and keep 2 toddlers busy has been so tiring.  It's been so different being pregnant this time around with 2 toddlers rather than when I was pregnant with Keira and just having 1 toddler.  I have been feeling so bad for yelling and I'm feeling like I'm failing as a mom.

I really hate to say this, but everyday I count down the hours until nap time & bed time where my house is silent.  I don't know if it's because my hormones are all over the place right now or what it is.  It makes me emotional to think that my girls are always seeing me in a negative way and always yelling at them.  I've noticed that it's affecting Kaylee a little bit and she's been telling me "I don't want you" which she says that I brush it off but then when I sit in the silence of nap time it makes me sad.  It makes me sad to think that my attitude is making her not want to be around me or want me.  I don't want her to ever feel like that, but when they continually push my buttons and not listen or fight or talk back it just pushes me over the edge!

I had my second mom breakdown of this pregnancy the other day.  I had asked the girls multiple times to calm down, leave each other alone, stop throwing things, stop yelling, stop hitting each other.  I just felt like it was never going to end...they had just woken up from their naps and they are usually so good with each other but for some reason that day they were in rare form.  I raised my voice and yelled at both of them and then I just broke down.  I broke down and cried and cried and cried.  Usually I try not to break down in front of the girls, I usually will try to hide in the bathroom.  But I just couldn't take it and I cried.  I think Kaylee felt really bad cause as soon as she saw me crying she came running over and kept telling me "I'm sorry mommy for being bad, I'll be a good girl..don't cry mommy".  She then gave me a hug and a kiss on my cheek and then went to sit down.  After my cry fest Jason called and I told him that I just had a mommy breakdown and he came home early to help out.  I am so thankful for him.  I know this wont be my last breakdown, hell I'm about to add another baby to the mix...there are bound to be more breakdowns to come.  But with only 22 days left till the arrival of their little sister I really do want to spend as much quality time with my girls as possible.  There are a lot of fun things coming up and I want to have as much fun with my family as possible.

I found this poem on Pinterest and it hit home for me.  Anytime I'm feeling overwhelmed or like I'm loosing it I'll need to read this