Wednesday, February 24, 2016

Even after a year good bye is still hard....

I'm kind of at a loss for words...
I still don't know how to process this whole thing, you know the part where I tell myself that your gone. The part where I try to still come to terms with it all.  I'm not sure I can do that...

It's been a whole year, a year without those weekly phone calls, a year without the surprise snail mail of how your doing or pictures from when I was little, a year since my last birthday card, a year since I've been able to hear stories from when I was little, a year without texting you pictures of the girls.  A whole year has passed that you've missed out on that you should still be here for!  It's not fair.  Now as I'm sitting here writing, tears are coming down my face, the burning of my mascara, I don't want to believe that you've been out of my life for a whole year.

This year has been hard, I cant call you and get advise or call to complain about something.  I miss you more everyday and I feel like you've missed out on so much.  There's so much that I wish I could share with you.  As much as it still hurts my heart everyday that your gone, I still have all the AMAZING memories I was able to share with you.  All the late nights staying up at your house, sneaking popsicles and watching scary movies that would later give me nightmares.  Taking road trip adventures up to the mountains and exploring through caves or around Big Trees, which will forever be my favorite place.  I try to remember all the good times we had together and not let the bad ones of your final days creep into my head.

I can never express fully how incredibly thankful I will forever be that my parents made the drive from CO to MT to pick up my grandpa and then make the drive to CA so that my grandpa could be at my wedding.  Being able to spend that time with him on my special day will be something I cherish forever.  Being able to look back on these pictures of us together will always be my favorite.  I wish I had more pictures with my grandpa but he was always the one behind the camera, maybe that's where I get my love for photography from.  He loved taking pictures and I always loved the surprise photography books he would send me.  Having him by my side at my wedding, is something that I know will never be taken away from me.

I hate that he lived so far away and that as I was older I didn't get to see him as much.  I wish that my girls got to spend time with him and do all the fun things with him that I did when I was little.  I wish that they got to experience those amazing memories too.  But I keep them alive by telling my girls about it and taking them back to those same places. 

After my grandpa died, ladybugs became an almost everyday constant, like it was him coming to visit me.  Knowing that I still needed him and that I still needed to feel like he was still around. He passed away and then 2 weeks later we moved back to CA and for a whole month after a ladybug would come visit me while I sat out by Jason's parents pond.  It would land on me and stick around for at least 10 minutes before flying off.  I felt a sense of calm come over me when I would see one.  As the months went on he would come less often and I think he knew when I needed him cause he would be there.  It's been awhile since I've seen him and I wish I was still able to see him daily but I'll take the occasional visits.  I enjoy my short and sweet visit with him the other day while we were at the park, he flew in landed on my hand and then flew off.  It made me smile.

Gramps, I miss you everyday and wish that cancer didn't take you from us.  You still had a lot of life to live but I guess it was your time.  I have to accept that and I'm trying but it's really hard.  I love you a lot and will never ever forget you.

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